Cassandra Piat

All about the woman, the author and Mauritius…

Please help me choose the beginning for my prologue!

on June 28, 2016

Hi everyone!

I’m trying to get my second book finalized but I’m stuck on the prologue!! I have three different versions and I just can’t decide which one works best. Every time I read through them, I change my mind on which one I prefer!!

So, I would really, really appreciate your help with this… If you have a moment, please could you read through the three options below and let me know in the comments which one works best for you.

Many thanks 🙂

PleaseHelp

VERSION 1

PROLOGUE

Passport ✓
Airplane ticket ✓
Foreign currency ✓
Hotel address ✓
Hotel voucher ✓
Boarding pass ✓

Looks like I have everything, I sighed in relief. A wave of excitement washed over me as I realised that I was really, truly flying off to Mauritius! I still couldn’t believe my luck – and to think that I had won this trip made it all the more amazing. Suddenly it dawned on me that maybe this was one of those wonderful dreams you never want to wake up from, but inevitably do. No, it just couldn’t be – could it? I pinched myself hard to double check and instead of feeling pain, I heard a loud “OUCH!” coming from my left hand side. I turned in horror to the man sitting next to me.

“Oh my God! Did I really just pinch you?” I asked, utterly mortified.

His scowl was quickly replaced by a chuckle when he saw the look on my face. “If you wanted to get my attention, you could have just talked to me you know.”

I laughed and introduced myself.

“Can I at least ask why you felt the need to pinch me?” he grinned.

I giggled and told him about winning a trip to Mauritius. He was friendly and easy to talk to so we chatted until I finally heard my flight being called.

Oooh, that’s me!” I exclaimed, jumping up in a flash as he watched me in amusement.

“The plane won’t leave without you, you know?” he said grinning.

I beamed back at him. “Well, I’m not taking any chances!” I said chuckling, as I waved over my shoulder and practically ran to Gate 3 where we were boarding.

VERSION 2

PROLOGUE

“OUCH!”

I jumped in surprise, swivelling in horror towards the stranger sitting next to me.

“Oh my God! Please tell me I didn’t just pinch you!”

His scowl was quickly replaced by a chuckle when he saw the look on my face. “If you wanted to get my attention, you could have just talked to me you know.”

“I’m so sorry, not to mention totally embarrassed, but I was actually meant to be pinching myself…” I said, feeling like a fool.

“And pinching yourself is something you do for fun?” he joked.

“No! I giggled my face flushing. “I won this trip in a photo competition and I guess I’m having a hard time believing that it’s actually real,” I explained. “I mean, just imagine – me, Molly Malahan, from Perth Western Australia, flying off to Mauritius! Totally surreal – so I was pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.”

“Well Molly Malahan from Perth Western Australia, I duly confirm that you’re not dreaming,” he said solemnly, stroking his arm, wincing.

I hid my face behind my hands and groaned in embarrassment.

“I’m only kidding, it didn’t hurt,” he laughed. “Well not much anyway…” he added teasingly.

He was friendly and easy to talk to, so we chatted until I finally heard my flight being called.

Oooh, that’s me!” I exclaimed, jumping up in a flash as he watched me in amusement.

“The plane won’t leave without you, you know?” he said grinning.

I beamed back at him. “Well, I’m not taking any chances!” I said chuckling, as I waved over my shoulder and practically ran to Gate 3 where we were boarding.

VERSION 3

PROLOGUE

I had checked, double-checked and triple-checked that I hadn’t forgotten anything and, finally reassured, I was now sitting in the departure lounge waiting for my flight to be called. I was having a hard time sitting still and just couldn’t believe that I was really, truly about to fly off to MAURITIUS!!!

Oh no! What if this was one of those wonderful dreams that you never want to wake up from, but inevitably do? No. No way. It just couldn’t be – could it? I pinched myself hard just to be absolutely sure and to my surprise, instead of feeling pain, I heard a loud “OUCH!” coming from my left hand side. Puzzled, I turned towards the man sitting next to me and noticed that he was rubbing his arm, wincing. I raised my eyes to his and was met by his angry glare, and suddenly realisation dawned…

Oh my God! Please tell me I didn’t just pinch you!”

His scowl was quickly replaced by a chuckle at the sight of my horror-stricken face. “If you wanted to get my attention, you could have just talked to me you know.”

“I’m so sorry, not to mention totally embarrassed, but I was actually meant to be pinching myself – you know, like you do when you want to make sure that you aren’t dreaming.”

“Well I can confirm that you’re not,” he said solemnly, stroking his arm again and grimacing.

I hid my face behind my hands and groaned in embarrassment.

“I’m only kidding,” he laughed. “It didn’t hurt. Well, not much anyway…” he teased. “So want to tell me about it?”

“I won this trip to Mauritius in a photo competition and I guess I’m having a hard time believing that it’s true,” I babbled excitedly. “I mean, just imagine – me, Molly Malahan, flying off to MAURITIUS!”

“Well that explains a lot,” he said with a grin.

He was friendly and easy to talk to, so we chatted until I finally heard my flight being called.

Oooh, that’s me!” I exclaimed, jumping up in a flash as he watched me in amusement.

“The plane won’t leave without you, you know?” he said grinning.

I beamed back at him. “Well, I’m not taking any chances!” I said chuckling, as I waved over my shoulder and practically ran to Gate 3 where we were boarding.

***

And if you don’t want to leave a blog post comment, you can nominate the version your prefer here 

FullSizeRe6nder

 

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17 responses to “Please help me choose the beginning for my prologue!

  1. Version two – although – you might want to tag the first two pieces of dialogue? I knew who was saying, “Ouch!” and “Oh my God! Please tell me I didn’t just pinch you!” because I had just read version one. But a new reader reading version two for the first time might not know who is speaking.

    Wait. I’m changing my mind. Version three. It’s a good blend of versions one and two. (Good luck deciding!)

    And congrats on the second book! That’s so awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pauline Wiles says:

    I like the beginning of version 2 but then mixed with the latter parts of version 3. And hopefully this encounter is really significant, but a little removed from the rest of the plot? It’s not just the start of the story? Otherwise, it might be chapter 1? As for Mauritius… yay!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Pauline! It’s actually only the first part of the prologue – the rest, when the other main character enters the story, i’m happy with :-). It was just the opening of the story that I was stuck on and couldn’t decide which was the best option. Thanks again for your help 🙂

      Like

  3. lahowlett says:

    I’m going with version 1. I go through a checklist like this every time I travel and it rings so true!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. #3 seems the most solid. I think ‘horror-stricken’ is a bit too strong although it’s obvious what you want to convey. (Angela Ackerman’s Emotion Thesaurus (www.writershelpingwriters.net/bookstore/ is a great resource!). Also, why not just open with the scene instead of using it for a prologue? Action right off the back!
    Happy Writing! I’m sure it’ll be great whatever you decide!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Khrys! Will definitely have a look at the Emotion Thesaurus – thanks for that. I’m actually putting it as a prologue (the prologue actually doesn’t end where I stopped – it was only the first part of the prologue I was stuck on 🙂 ) So the prologue is because it’s present day then the first chapter goes back to 2 weeks ago… Thanks so much for your feedback and encouragement.

      Like

  5. Jayne Denker says:

    Version two! That way the backstory is told through dialogue, which is always more lively.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. sandiedocker says:

    I’d go 2 or 3.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dom says:

    I definitely prefer version 1. Check lists are always a sure success. At least this is what I believe, thinking about many best sellers I have read. And they can for sure define the character 🙂 Hope I was of any help

    Liked by 1 person

  8. […] Please help me choose the beginning for my prologue! Jul […]

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